If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Put the is in disheveled
*pronounces surface like Versace*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.