@SamuelHLowe: When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.
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@SortaBad: "I can't wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait...what the -" [U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
@disco_bird: For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
@ThaJawn: Me: *trying to be cool* Scotch Bartender: Preference? Me: *nervously* hop Bartender: Bout time! *breaks out sidewalk chalk*