When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
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The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Easy enough.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.