When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
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Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.