When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
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“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*orders delivery*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
New Tinder profile.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.