Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
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My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
She: I like Cats
He:
Name this drama.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.