When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer