When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”