When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
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My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I beg your pardon?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup