My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
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An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
A new level of troll.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
lmfao
nobody’s gonna understand
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible