When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
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I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
my mom making me talk to relatives
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.