@pecan_pie_1: When my toddlers are teenagers I'm going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I'm thirsty
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@CrissieC: I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.
@kingsleyyy: Conservatives after a mass shooting: "You can't take our guns!" Conservatives after a police shooting: "But he had a gun!" I'm confused.
@squirrel74wkgn: I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick? Her: Of course... *walks out 26 minutes later* Thanks.
@WilliamAder: I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?