Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle