@pecan_pie_1: When my toddlers are teenagers I'm going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I'm thirsty
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@KeetPotato: [in heaven after crucifixion] jesus: "they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there" god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is"
@WilliamAder: I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
@MartaEffing: [sexy time] Me: Let me be your fantasy. Him: It's a Star Wars thing. Me: Say no more. *leaves* *comes back dressed as Yoda*
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying* ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.