When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
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“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.