@simoncholland: When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
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@kyry5: Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you're handling this really insensitively
@KenJennings: Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.
@ilovepie84: Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn't want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.