When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad