@simoncholland: When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she's talking about vacuuming.
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@cathisamazing: Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
@just1fool: Hey, little bird! Maybe you wouldn't have to move your head around so much looking for threats if you didn't make so much god damn noise!
@cepheusjackson: [GRAND CANYON] WIFE: Isn't this incredible? ME: It's ok. WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons? ME: I don't want to talk about it