When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don鈥檛 have to hide bodies.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
In banana years, I am bread.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me: I think I鈥檓 just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I can鈥檛 get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…馃悤馃惥馃槄
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn鈥檛 scare me anymore
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where鈥檚 your pants?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are