The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Would you wear it?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me