When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence