When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
You Might Also Like
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Risking my life for fun.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
OKAY DAD
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.