@weinerdog4life: When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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@zachreinert03: A friend asked if I thought there was alien life on other planets and I was like don't give up hope, there's someone out there for you
@Goofpoops: Cop cars aren't very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I'll stop in a heartbeat
@DanteEvilCat: Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
@TheMichaelRock: My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.