@weinerdog4life: When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Carson: No it wasn't a friend it was a close family member. And I didn't stab her I froze her heart. "Sir, that's the plot of Frozen."
@BoogTweets: Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I'm leaving you! Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
@MsFoxIfUrNasty: [at BBQ] Wow...trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend. He hated bratwurst.
@TimmySeiler: Waitress says "Say when" when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.