@weinerdog4life: When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
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@hythemafia: I've quit my new job as a postman..... .....they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought: "This isn't for me."
@Mikecanrant: Aardvarks aare so aanoying. Aalmost everything theyre aasociated with is aanoying. I get Aangry just thinking aabout them. Aalso Aarons.
@notorious_stars: My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That's why I stopped Wearing them
@fixyourcompass: My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'. I said: May divorce be with you...