When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project