When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
all bases covered
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.