When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
starting a garage orchestra
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*