Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
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I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
@funTweeters
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
plant them where lol
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now