[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
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Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.