M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
🐕🍷
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?