When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”