@nealbrennan: When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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@robdelaney: Girl, are your legs tired? Cuz you were running through my dreams all night and you did some amazing parkour & also kicked a judge to death.
@PaperWash: Dentist: ok open up "Well I guess it all started when my dad left..." Dentist: no I mean- Assistant: wait bill...let him finish
@bluetractor: I hate it when people call me judgemental Especially people wearing shoes like that
@kentgrossarth: Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They're from my boyfriend. Now I'm going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don't you have a vase?