@nealbrennan: When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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@Brampersandon_: JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity? ME: let me double-check with my counsel *moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods* ME: thats correct ur honor
@NurseSeymour: Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It's called Facebook.
@ericsshadow: [6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight [11:00pm] yay i did it! [11:01pm] *preheats oven*