When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING