When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
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Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.