When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
You Might Also Like
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃