“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
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“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.