When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
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“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
What the hell happened here.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
honestly, i need both:
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”