@Harpers_Halo: When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
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@TheMichaelRock: Boss: Why did you call off yesterday? Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.
@dooce: A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
@FatherWithTwins: 4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy? Me: After lunch 4yo: I want lunch right now. I'm starving!! Me: We just ate breakfast 4yo: Starving!
@david8hughes: Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It's like 10 minutes from here Arresting officer: no