I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
You Might Also Like
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
This is why I hate group projects