I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
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Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”