@melpraktis: When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
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@turtledumplin: Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say... "I made coffee"
@DurtMcHurtt: *rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
@JCautomatic: *4yo comes in from garden with worm* Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!! *4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*
@TheHatStore: [hospital burn unit] doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many