@melpraktis: When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What sound do dogs make? 3-year-old: Woof woof. Me: Horses? 3: Neigh. Me: Pigs? 3: Sizzle sizzle. Somebody understands bacon.
@KalvinMacleod: I have Facebook like reflexes. "Don't you mean cat-like reflexes?" *throws a book and hits you right in the face*
@david8hughes: [Joker has Robin tied up] "If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-" "Nope. Also he's allergic to peanuts. Like real bad."
@notalogin: On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you're in there for, say "the food" so all the other prisoners know you're a loose cannon.