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The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT