coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
You Might Also Like
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.