When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
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deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.