Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
barbara was highly relatable
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents