@lucascomedian: When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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@longwall26: "Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!" "LOL sir, that was a barber." "He was black." "We're sending a battleship."
@HonestToddler: Tonight's bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.
@TheBoydP: I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
@Try2StopME: Girl1: Why are you so happy? Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said "Parking Fine"