@lucascomedian: When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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@dizzydes86: Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I'm a jerk.
@internetluke: "No, no. No! NO!" - guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
@Whymze: [pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.