When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Nothing.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.