FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
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not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
who named him groot and not spruce lee
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
channeling her this year
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO