When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.