When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
no one likes gloating
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up