When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
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a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?