@BrettDruck: When somebody asks for directions I just say "follow your heart" and drive away.
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@THEDUTHCHESS: Day 1 of being kidnapped. Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back. Husband is asking for more money.
@Death_Buddy: [spider's junk email folder] -TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$ -HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU -TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
@WhiskeySoured: To protest Donald Sterling's racist comments I'm going to continue to not care about basketball.
@dhumann: Flight Attendant: "Here is the extra blanket you asked for." Me: "Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy's mouth?"