@BrettDruck: When somebody asks for directions I just say "follow your heart" and drive away.
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@MrsGoose69: Hubby: "Why don't you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?" Wife: "I don't want to bother you while you are at work."
@WalkingOutside: Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you're like, "What the hell have I done?"
@withanewname: [boarding plane with really old pilot] "think his heart will hold out? lol" attendent: excuse me, sir? "depart out, what time do we leave?"