@BrettDruck: When somebody asks for directions I just say "follow your heart" and drive away.
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@mactx85: I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
@buriedwithkids: My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me... I screamed, "OH HELL NO" and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
@hdaniels_00: When people tell me "You're going to regret that in the morning", I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver