When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Battery falling down a hole
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.