Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
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HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Body by Oreos
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
found this cool rock hiking today
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.