When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
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I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Dance like you’re not the father
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.