When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
your honor my client chooses dare
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.