When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
For the baby who has everything
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My first child will be named New Folder.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?