“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Ah..makes sense now
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.