When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
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Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Received some very disappointing news today
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
congratulations to them
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit