@bridger_w: When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
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@KateWhineHall: Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?! 7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
@moiragallaga: The fact that people use the wrong "your," "there," "it's" and "its" yet spell "Bieber" correctly just kills me.
@Hobo_Splendido: All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn't want to talk to you.