When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
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WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Her : I like you
Me : You鈥檙e mistaken
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn鈥檛 the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they鈥檝e got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don鈥檛 start explaining it.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?馃
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you鈥檒l be lucky if you end up as dasani
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i鈥檇 love it
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.