@bridger_w: When someone says, "I haven't seen you in forever," a fun response is, "I know, we're really not that good of friends"
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@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake.
@bombsydoll: "I am not a human garbage disposal" *eats leftover mac n cheese anyway* *makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*
@mrtruthandsoul: I've decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back
@hotsoccerchic69: my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer