@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone? Me: Two. 4-year-old: It was nine. Teaching her to count was a mistake.

@bombsydoll: "I am not a human garbage disposal" *eats leftover mac n cheese anyway* *makes terrible grinding noise after accidentally swallowing fork*

@mrtruthandsoul: I've decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I'm back

@hotsoccerchic69: my mom walked in when I was printing out a naked picture of a woman in 5th grade& we sat there in silence listening to the loud, 90s printer

@Yes_ImAmy: Thank god we don't have thought bubbles above our heads. I'd be in trouble 99% of the time.